Overthinking. Stress. Anxiety. It’s unfortunate that these have become such an integral part of our lives. We often get stuck in a loop of negative thoughts that we can’t seem to shake off.

In this article, we discussed what is overthinking, what are its origins, and how it can send us down a negative spiral. I have put the link in the description in case you missed that one. We also discussed the 3 key factors influencing it. We know that amongst those three, our Mental Models are the ones we can take control of, to manage stress and anxiety.

Now, let’s go deeper into this and understand some tools and techniques that can help us take charge of our mental models, our self-talk, and our perception of things. This, in turn, will help us cope better with stress, anxiety and reduce overthinking.

I have been a perennial overthinker. I was often stressed out and had a tendency to worry a lot. My friends, family, and colleagues would tell me to “just Relax” or take a break.” They meant well and were trying to help me. But did it really help? I even took the advice and went on a relaxing holiday for a week. While I was sitting by the beach, I was still ruminating about all that has to be faced as I come back. While sitting there, all I could think of, was the scenarios that could play out, what would I do, how am I going to tackle those.

I was told to take a break and I was doing that. I was trying to keep my mind away from the things that cause stressful thoughts. But the problem was, I had no clue on how to actually de-stress. The irony here was that the more I tried to take my mind away from those stressful thoughts and worries, my mind seemed to make me even more focused on those. And that is why it didn’t seem to work for me. It just seemed impossible to get rid of those thoughts.

Taking a break is good. Going on relaxing travel is great. But it may not work very well for overthinkers. It may help someone who just needs some time off to relax etc. But for overthinkers, this is not enough. I needed to approach it from a different perspective. I had to really understand what was going on in my head. Understand what causes me to overthink and feel stressed.

I needed to develop Awareness. This is a mighty step forward. It all starts with awareness. There is a subtle difference between being aware of a situation and being anxious about it. When you are aware, you know it exists and what are you thinking about it. You are still and calm. You are not judging. You are not getting attached to it, nor are you resisting it. You are just watching it as an outsider.

But if you get anxious, then you are getting carried away. You are emotional. You are attached to it. You are resisting it, fighting it.

So for me, the solution was not to AVOID the thought completely, because the very thought of avoidance made my mind focus even more on that. The right approach for me was to let the thoughts come in, but instead of fighting them, just acknowledge and look at those thoughts as an outsider. It’s like watching a movie or reading a story, where you see what is happening, you observe, but are not anxious, you are not emotionally absorbed into it.

I know, it’s easier said than done. It needs practice. Just like you strengthen your muscles in a gym, day after day, similarly when you practice mindfulness, you strengthen your mental muscles to be able to see and observe thoughts in a neutral way. Just like you do not build muscles in a gym overnight, it takes some time to develop the practice of being aware of our thoughts without getting pulled into those.

Just observe your thoughts. In other words, you are thinking about these thoughts. This is called Metathinking. Our brain is capable of having thoughts about our thoughts. So even though these thoughts are inside your head, you can think about them as if they are something outside of you that you can see and notice.

Let’s take an example. Suppose you had a bad day at work. If you are anxious, your thought process will be: “Oh god, I worked so hard for that. I am just not good enough. No one appreciates my effort, and they always find faults. Why does it happen to me? Why am I like this?”

But if you are in a state of awareness, your inner dialogue is like this:

“I am very disturbed right now because of what happened today at work. A lot of thoughts are circulating in my head. I am feeling anger and frustration. I can sense it on my skin. My heart is racing.”

So you see? You notice your thoughts, feelings, and also your bodily sensations. This is awareness. You are not AVOIDING anything. You are not getting attached to anything. You just see it as it is.

You are aware without getting anxious.

Notice that we are not talking about completely avoiding or getting rid of stress. It’s just impossible. It’s about being aware without the attachment. Once we are able to do this, then it opens up new possibilities. Now you are in a position to choose what to do next. Instead of getting carried away, you are now sitting in the driver’s seat. So now that you are aware of what’s going on in your head, let’s see what can you do about it. What are your options?

That brings us to the 4 As of Stress Management which in turn will help us tackle overthinking.

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This technique was proposed by Mayo Clinic. It is used extensively in various forms by therapists, coaches, and doctors. According to this, There are 4 options in front of you: Avoid, Alter, Accept, and Adapt.

The first thing we can do is to Avoid the situation. This sounds too simple to be really effective. isn’t it? But, if we really see, there are a lot of stresses in life, that we can simply walk away from. We can’t control everything in life, but in some cases, we can arrange our circumstances, so that we don’t have to be in stressful surroundings, or with stressful people.

When you avoid stress, you are not running away from obligations or denying genuine problems. You are simply learning to say “no” to stress that is unnecessary and harmful.

If you cannot avoid it, you may need to find ways to change the situation or ALTER it.

If you are stressed about a multitude of deliverables that are expected of you within a week, then there may be a way out by discussing with superiors if you could deliver that in batches. Or come up with a priority order. Talking to people, and negotiating, can help you alter the situation a bit and reduce the burden. It may not always work out, but it is worth a try to express yourself, instead of suffering in silence.

Similarly, if you don’t communicate to your friend that their insensitive jokes are causing you distress, you may continue to endure their impact indefinitely. Hence, it’s worth attempting to express your feelings. Tell him or her how you feel and request them to stop.

If you can’t avoid a stressor, ask yourself if you can do something to alter it. If the answer is no or “not much”, then you may need to go a step further and ACCEPT it.

The question is, how can we come to terms with a situation that we find unpleasant? The initial step is to acknowledge that if we don’t like it, we simply don’t like it. Acceptance does not require us to suppress our emotions; rather, it involves recognizing and accepting our feelings as valid.

Suppose you were terminated from your job despite your best efforts, and now there seems to be little you can do to change the situation. In such cases, it may be necessary to focus on accepting what has happened. If the circumstances leading to your termination were unjust and you feel wronged, acceptance may require you to consider forgiveness. It’s important to remember that forgiveness is a personal choice that benefits you, not the other party, whether it’s a company or a boss. By forgiving, you are freeing yourself from the burden of resentment and blame, which can otherwise drain your energy and cause undue stress.

Acceptance may also apply to subtle shifts in the way we frame events in our minds. While we cannot change the events themselves, we can monitor our inner dialogue and the language we use. For instance, instead of saying, “I failed to deliver the project in time. I’m so stupid for not working harder.,” we could say, “I made a mistake and did not finish the project on time. But this one event doesn’t define me. I can learn from my errors, move on, and improve my performance next time.”

Accepting something doesn’t mean we like it or agree with it, and it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to change it. It means we recognize what we can’t change and focus on what we can do instead.

When dealing with stress in the long run, it’s important to try and ADAPT. This involves making more significant changes to our way of thinking, our goals, and our expectations. For example, let’s say someone is a perfectionist and is constantly stressed out because they never feel like they meet their high standards. Instead of trying to be perfect all the time, it might be more helpful for them to adjust their expectations and make them more realistic. This way, they won’t constantly feel like they’re falling short and can focus on what they can achieve.

Adapting to stress means changing ourselves to better deal with life’s challenges. It’s like building up our own strength and resilience. For instance, some people might make a daily “gratitude list” of things they’re thankful for to help them stay positive. Others might meditate or repeat a mantra to remind themselves that they’re strong and capable of overcoming obstacles.

When we have a variety of powerful attitudes, ideas, and inspiration, we can tackle stress with confidence and become better people in the process. It’s all about finding what works for us and building a strong foundation to handle whatever life throws our way.

These are the four A’s of managing stress. When you feel anxious or stressed, take a moment to go through each step. Remember, no matter how tough the situation may seem, there’s always a way to approach it mindfully and with purpose.

You’re not powerless when it comes to stress, you have the power to take control with the tools at your disposal! All you need is to start with Awareness.

Let’s go through a situation to put this all in perspective. Say you have a co-worker who stresses you out. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, that there’s nothing you can do, ask yourself, if there’s a way to avoid the person. Maybe you can eat lunch at a different time or work in a different area to avoid bumping into them. But, let’s say you can’t avoid seeing them in meetings where they often interrupt you or take credit for your ideas.

Think of ways you can alter the situation. Can you skip these meetings or find a way to avoid them? Can you talk to your colleague privately and express your concerns? Can you set stronger boundaries when speaking in meetings? If none of these options work, you can still accept the situation in some way. You could talk to a close friend about your feelings of frustration, or realize that your colleague interrupts everyone, not just you. This can help you not to take it personally or let it stress you out.

Lastly, you can make changes to become more confident and assertive. By developing the belief that you have just as much right to speak as anyone else, you may feel more confident in saying, “Excuse me, I wasn’t finished speaking,” and calmly continue your point.

Please do try the four A’s to reduce your stress and anxiety which in turn will reduce your overthinking. Do let me know about your experiences in the comments below.

Don’t forget to check out this article, where we discuss another powerful technique to deal with stress, anxiety and overthinking.