Having good relationships whether it is with our parents our siblings spouse or kids is very fulfilling. These relationships complete our life in a beautiful way and add so much value to it. In this article, I will be sharing with you five habits that helped me improve my relationships. Practicing these I experienced healthier and happier relationships and overall life got better.

1. Mindfulness

About a year back I used to have lots of arguments with my husband. Whatever the case we felt that we didn’t understand each other’s point of view. So we avoided discussions as we felt Nothing fruitful came out of them anyways.

Then by God’s grace, I learned mindfulness. Mindfulness is the ability to observe our feelings, thoughts, emotions and behavior in the present moment without offering any judgment or resistance.

Let me explain mindfulness to you with the help of an example. Suppose I enter a room and there is a pile of clothes on the bed. Now my immediate reaction will be – Ooohhhh! the room is so messy. I don’t like it. So much time will go into cleaning it now. I’m already so tired. and on and on my thoughts will go.

Now, what exactly is happening here? The moment I see the pile of clothes, I start to judge and make meanings out of it. I feel that it is not nice. That it is making the room messy. I am unable to keep my room clean. I am not capable enough. There is also a lot of resistance I have toward that pile of clothes. I don’t like it for sure. I see it as a lot of work. The moment I judge or resist a thing, I start to suffer. I experience a lot of restlessness and agitation within me. It is not a nice feeling at all.

But, if I am mindful, then when I see the pile of clothes as I enter the room, I will not judge or resist it. I will try to see it as it is, that these are just clothes. I will not judge it to be good or bad. Neither will I resist it, that I don’t like it. I will accept it exactly as it is and try to move towards a solution that I need to clear the bed or ask someone to help me with it. Once I don’t judge and just evaluate a situation like this there is no suffering. I will be comfortable and stay calm and peaceful within with the reality that there is a pile of clothes on the bed in my room.

I will just keep observing my thoughts of judgment or resistance if they are coming. But I will not get carried away with them. I will accept the situation as it is. This is mindfulness. The beauty of mindfulness is that the moment you accept the energy of a situation without judging or resisting it, this energy gets transmuted from negative to positive and the situation just dissolves. It loses its power over you. I don’t know how much sense I am making to you right now because if you are hearing all this for the first time then it might seem very fuzzy and confusing. The first time I heard about mindfulness I was completely taken aback. It was beyond my imagination that just being present and accepting the situation without judgment or resistance will improve it. How does that work? was my biggest doubt. But trust me it does work. You have to practice it and experience it for yourself to believe it.

When we start practicing mindfulness then slowly and steadily we become very aware of our thoughts. We are aware of what we are feeling in any particular moment. We try to stay in the present moment without judging or resisting things or situations.

As I became aware of my thoughts. I realized that I have two dominant thoughts regarding having discussions with my husband. The first one was that he will never understand whatever I’m trying to convey and the second was that nothing fruitful ever comes out of our discussions. I worked on releasing these two thoughts using EFT and crap writing.

Gradually, I observed that whenever we had any discussion I would be very mindful of my thoughts. The moment I would start to feel anger or irritation rising within me I would start paying attention to my thoughts. Then I would tell myself that these are just my thoughts and they are not true. I would keep catching the thoughts and releasing them. I would not judge or resist anything that he was saying. I would completely accept the situation and listen to him peacefully because I knew that even though we had different points of view he means well. I would just hold on to the feeling that he means well. Soon our discussions became very healthy and fruitful.

So, if you want to improve any relationship just observe the thoughts that you have for that one person. Release any judgment and limiting thoughts and see your relationships grow.

2. Listen with your Heart and Soul and not just ears

When my kids come from school I’m very eager to know what happened during the day. So I would ask both of them. My daughter would start off by telling each and every detail and I literally have to stop her that’s it it’s okay I understood. whereas for my son he would just say oh it was a good day. everything was just usual.

Very rarely he would be like – Mama there is something bothering me. it’s okay kind of but there is something. I think you should talk to my teacher. so then I would ask him what is it. if he wants to share with me. I would sit on the sofa and he would keep walking in front of it and tell me all that was troubling him. Once he stops then I ask him so you want me to talk to your teacher about it and this is what he says after the release – no I don’t think it is required it is nothing actually if it gets any worse then I will let you know I think I can handle it it is nothing much.

The greatest contribution you can make in any relationship is to listen with all your heart. When you listen to someone without any judgment it strengthens the relationship by giving them a sense of support. By just listening to them you make the other person feel respected and cared for. I’m not talking about just hearing but giving your undivided attention to the other person.

Being able to talk to someone and having the assurance that you are understood is a very good form of release. It helps to heal the person by letting their thoughts out of their head. Many times people will be able to find solutions themselves after they have poured their heart out to someone.

But be very careful when you are listening. Don’t jump to give solutions unless asked for. Being a good listener is as crucial as finding a solution to the problem. Don’t think that you are not helping by just listening and not offering any solution. That is the biggest mistake people make. Though their intentions are good. They want to help and so offer solutions but one has to understand that when a person is full of emotions and is hurt it’s like a steaming pressure cooker and the best thing that can be done is to let them release the pressure. Try it and I am sure you will receive many thanks for all the patient listening that you did.

3. Sleep well

Sleep plays a very important role in your overall well-being. You must have observed that if you are well rested and have surplus energy then you are always in a very good mood. In such a mood you easily let go and don’t get into unnecessary arguments.

While on the other hand, if you have not slept well the night before then you get agitated at the drop of a hat. Every minor thing irks you and your chances of having arguments with your loved ones increases. In the moment we don’t realize that it is because of lack of sleep. Because whatever the argument or the point of contention is, it seems very real to us and we give full merit to our line of thought. Many times it happens that a day or two later we realize that all that confrontation was uncalled for. There was no point in arguing over such a trivial thing and we feel guilty that why did we even do that.

It’s all because of lack of sleep. So please, set up a sleep routine and try to follow it to the best of your ability. Try to get 8 hours of sleep per night and you will see a significant impact In your patience levels. Your kids who bother you all the time would seem very loving and calm. Try it for yourself. You will develop a new perspective on all your relationships.

4. Invest in yourself

Suppose I ask you to give five apples to someone when you have 10. Then there is a possibility of giving. But if I ask you to give five apples when you have none. Then even if you want to you can’t possibly give anything. How can you give something when you don’t have it yourself?

The same is true for our relationships. We can only give out love, support, and happiness to the other person when we have them in abundance. When our cup is full. We cannot give anything from an empty cup. If we are lacking love then how is it possible for us to give it to someone else?

So, always invest in yourself first if you want to have healthy relationships. Engage in mental well-being activities. Do something every day that you love to do. That makes you feel fulfilled. Life can be overwhelming at times with all the commitments that we have and it doesn’t matter even if you are doing your favorite thing for only half an hour a day. Because this half an hour tells you that you are a priority and gives you a sense of fulfillment. It makes you a happier person and once you are happy yourself it is happiness that you will spread around in your relationships. Your energy will become very positive and your loved ones will experience it without doubt. They would love to be with you and spend time with you because who doesn’t want to be with a cheerful, smiling, and full-of-life person?

5. Practice gratitude

Suppose I go for a hike. It was beautiful scenery all around me but I saw a snake on our way. Now when I come back from the hike what do you think I will remember more – the scenery or the snake? I will remember the snake incident more because of the negativity bias of our brains. We have a tendency to remember negative incidents more.

This is exactly what happens in relationships. We tend to remember all the negatives about the person we are having our issues with. But in order to develop a beautiful relationship we have to change this habit.

Everybody has something or the other good about them. Just pause for a minute and think of what all the other person has done for you ever and fill your heart and soul with gratitude for them. It could be the smallest of things that they do for you and that you take for granted. Stay in this feeling of gratitude for as long as you can and bless that person for helping you. Everything in life cannot be perfect or as we like it to be. But we can find peace in gratitude for what we have.

Very soon you will see that your gratitude towards them and the blessings that you are sending them will result in a shift in your relationship.

Having shared with you all these habits that helped me improve my relationships. I would like to add a few very important pointers.

It takes time to develop mindfulness and practice gratitude. You have to focus on your thoughts and firmly have the intention of shifting them towards being more positive. You have to consciously work on yourself and definitely you will get the results the way I did.

When you are already stressed about your relationships or there are issues that you are dealing with then practicing mindfulness and gratitude gets a little more challenging. So please don’t beat yourself up for not being able to practice it as much as you would like to. Take one thing at a time and work on it. Make it a habit and then move on to the next one. Love yourself enough to do this.

Please share your experiences with me in the comments below. Do let me know the one habit that you resonated with and that brought about a change in your life.